It has Been A while

I am still here. I have been very busy with my new adventure. I will post pics soon, but you can visit my website at www.etsy.com/shop/amandylpn. I hope that I will be able to assist any of you with anything that you need.

Hard Days

Today is an extremely hard day. Have you ever felt that they closest people to you are the ones that hurt you the worse. Well, today is that day for me. I have been having some really tough times lately and this weekend was the straw that broke the camels back. As I said in earlier post, that I was a children pastor and I loved it. I left doing it when I met my husband. We moved and found another church. I became very involved in the children ministry at the church. I always though that my dream of being a children pastor would always become real again, and I felt that it would happen at the church where we attend. This weekend showed to me that it would never happen. In the mist of trying to talk to the one I love, I found out that he supported something other than I believed. My heart is broken into tiny little pieces. Please pray for wisdom for me and strength. I am not sure what is going to happen. Thanks.

Faith That Can Move a Mountain

Little did I know that three years ago today, my life would change forever. I can remember like it was yesterday. I was pregnant with my first child and I was so excited. His due date was December 22 and I was going to have a Christmas Baby. How fun could that be. At 28 weeks I was put on bed rest due to high blood pressure. My diet had to change and it was a long road to Dec. 22. I was going to the doctor 2 times a week. I was ready for him to come.

At 34 weeks and 5 days my little bundle of joy stopped moving. I knew that this was not right, but as a labor and delivery nurse I was to hard headed to call my doctor. I just made sure that there was a heart beat and I would go to my appointment early the next day. I got up on November 16Th and started eating as much sugar and drinking as much a caffeine as one person could. I knew that when I got to the office everything would be just fine. They hooked my up to the NST monitor. The heart beat was there, but he still was not moving. The doctor came in and said that he was going to send me to the hospital. Well, I wanted something different. I begged him to just do an ultrasound. As we were talking the little bundle of joy heart rate dropped and I know other choice but to go the hospital. As I arrived there, they hooked me up to pitocin and started making me have contractions. This was to see if the baby could handle it. Well, he could not. In a total of 30 minutes the doctor came in there and said that we were going to have the baby today. I knew that he would have to go to NICU, but did not know what to expect.

At around two o'clock Trey was born. He was 2lbs 12oz and 15 inches long. This is just the being of the long road ahead. As soon as my little bundle of joy was born there was a lot of whispering and "quiet" talk. I did not know what was going and could not even get up to see. I was cut open and helpless. All I could do was pray. I just wanted to see him and touch him. My God is so big that I finally heard him cry. Yes, it was weak cry, but to a mother that is the sweetest thing you can hear. The nurses brought him to and let me kiss him, and ran to the NICU with him. I was thinking that everything was going to be ok.

My husband by the baby side and me in recovery, the doctor came to me and said "Amanda, you son has a (will not say because this could harm child later in life) and is going to have to be transported out of the hospital at some time today. The NICU is full and they can not keep him here." I was alone and felt hopeless. Once again all I could do was pray for strength and peace from God. I was sick so I had to be put on a medicine to help with my blood pressure, which means that I had to be bedridden for at least 24 hours. I COULD NOT SEE MY BABY!! I would lay in the bed and cry out to God. All I wanted was to see my baby. People came and in out of my room telling me everything was going on with my little boy. He was put on the ventilator because he could not breath on his own. He the other problem too. The doctors came in and said that the NICU transport team would be moving him first thing the morning of the 17Th.

The 17Th arrived and the NICU brought him in to see me. He was prefect to me. He a lot of lines and was still on the vent, but he was alive. At that point, I knew God had him in his hands. I got to spend about 15 minutes with him, and then I would not get to see him for 24 more hours. He was on his way to MCG in Augusta, GA. 6 hours away from me. Man, was that the hardest thing that I had to do. My husband with him and my parents stayed with me. The morning of the 18Th, my doctor discharged me and I was on my to see my baby. Arriving in Augusta, I went spent an hour with him. I was trying to make up the time that I had lost. NO ONE WAS GOING TO STOP ME!!! My little angel was there and off the vent and breathing on his own. God answered one of my prayers. He was not little wimpy white boy. The next two weeks in Augusta was like a roller coaster. We would feel like we hit the top of the mountain and then a split second we would be back at the bottom. He had to stay a total of three weeks in the hospital. Two weeks in Augusta and One week in Albany.

Through all of the ups and downs of this, God was in control. I never once felt like I was alone without him. I might have been alone with out any humans, but my ABBA was there. I prayed to him to heal Trey and he did. There was times when we did not know how we were going to pay some bills, the money would show up. We wondered how we were going to eat at times, someone would takes to eat. God supplies all of our needs. Truman and I knew that God was in control no matter what doctors told us. The faith that we had in our Lord was what got us through this. He can do the same for you. Just trust in HIM and HE will provide.

A Dark Part of My Life

I have been blogging a little at a time about my life. There are some parts that are very dark to me and I have been keeping them to myself and not sharing. I have no idea why I am about to share one of them with you, but I just feel that it is God's will that I do.

Back in 2002, 2003 I was a children pastor a church. I loved my job and I love the kids. I put all of my heart and desires into the kids. I was called into ministry in Aug of 1999 and I knew that this is were I was supposed to be. I spent hours at the church preparing for the messages that I would be given to the children. I spent hours planning different programs and activities for the children as well. I loved it. I can not tell you how happy I was at this time.

Then something happen that would change my life. I was sexually assaulted by the pastor of the church. I started turning away from God. I could not understand what God had put me through. I felt awful. I hated going in to work. I hated going to church and worshipping my King. I hated life in general. I would not tell anyone. I blamed myself. Thought it was all my fault and I needed to turn back to my old way of life. That was the only place that was safe. Why should I go to church. It is not safe. Why should I hang out with Godly people, they are not safe. I left church. I Started drinking again. When I was drunk, I felt loved by all of my friends. I knew I that I could get rid of the problem drunk. I did for that little bit of time, but when I woke up the next morning I it was there again. Hanging over my head. A good friend of the family that I went to church with called me one day and just ask me why I left the church. I could not tell her what had happen. All I could say was "One day people will realize the truth of this man. His day is coming." I would not let myself tell her, because devil keep telling me that no one would believe me. He is a preacher. You are a nobody. You are the one that cased this on yourself. I keep drinking more.

March 17, 2004, I was walking into work. I can remember this day like it was yesterday. It was my boss birthday and I had planned a special day for him. I a great present and lots of candy and food that I had brought in for him and my coworkers. As I walked in that morning, one of my coworkers said, "my name, you have a phone call." As I answered the call, the lady on the other end started asking me question about the preacher. She asked me if had every done anything to me. I was lost for words. She told me that he had done it two three other girls and that the cops were investigating it and needed me to go and talk with them. I could not even drive home. My mother had to come and get me. As I went to the police station, was met by the investigator and GBI. They ask me what had happen and I told my story. I told them everything. The next three to four months were long ones. I would have to appear in grand jury once and then the trial.

The trial was a long 3 days. It would start at 8 and end 5 the first two day. The last day it started at 8 and ended 6:30-7:00. It was the worst thing that I had to go through. I had to relive the hole thing in front of HIM! Questioned by his attorney and mine. It was time to hear what the jury decided. They let him off. They found him not guilty. The next month or so I was so anger at God that I did not want to go to church or have anything apart of it. I mad myself go, and I am so glad that I did. At this time God showed me that no matter what He is the judge of all.

Romans 14:13, "Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way." God spoke this to me and I had to quite judging him and forgive him. I wanted to glorify the Lord with all of my heart and I could not with the bitterness that I had in me. I ask for true forgiveness from my father. I have not seen or talked to the man that did this to me, but I do know that I have forgave him of this. We are all sinners and we have to forgive just a Jesus did for us. Do not hold a grudge or even judge someone of something they did. Jesus is the only one that is to judge us. We all we face Him one day and we have to be ready for it.

A Butterfly in the Making

As I was praying this morning, the Lord showed me a clear picture of a butterfly. It was cleared to me that I am in the making of a butterfly. One day the beauty of it all will be showed to the world. He is still working on me.

I started of as a caterpillar. My birth of a caterpillar was October 12,1977. I was born in my mother and father. It was then when my stages started. I was crawling around on this beautiful land. Lord protected me from being harmed, stepped on, or even seen death at this time. I am thankful for that.

It was around my first grade year that He started changing me to pupa/chrysalis. during this time I was becoming aware of heaven and hell. In the second grade I expected that I needed to change. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son that whoever believe in Him shall have everlasting life." I took this verse and prayed to the Lord. He now allowed me to enter the next stage of a butterfly life. Merging from pupa to adult butterfly.

This is the stage I am at. He is still forming me. He has taken me through some deep valleys and I have sat on some tall mountain tops. I have lost two wonderful babies. I had to face some struggles with my third pregnancy. I had to face some great giants with the birth of the child. I was told something that most people loose it when told. I had to watch my child face pain through 3 long surgeries. Yes, I wished that I could have taken the pain away from him. I have to go through the lost of many friends and lost two wonderful men in my life. My grandfathers. I have had to move from a comfortable place to a place where I knew no one. I watch my sister leave her family for many years. I have had to watch my parents separate for many months due to unfaithfulness. Being sexual assaulted by someone that I trusted. Yes, all of this hurts. I wanted to turn away from the Lord. I did not understand why He would allow me to go through. Palms 23:1 is the verse I was brought back too. "The Lord is my Shepard." Yes, He lead me through you it and guided me to the mountain top.

My mountain have included: marrying the love of my life, having two wonderful sons, being involved in a wonderful church, having some of the greatest friends anyone could ask for. I have the opportunity to stay at home with my children. He provides for me each everyday. I have been able to travel to different counties to see His glory. He reunited my parents and my sister back together. My parents now have a good relationship with each other. This is just some of the blessings that I have.

I have been through all of this knowing that my Lord is not through with me. He is always changing me. He is placing all of the colors on me. One day I will be that beautiful butterfly that He wants me to be. I am still in the process of coming out.

I am waiting on Him to be finished with me and call me home. Are you ready for that? If you are not, then you need to pray that the Lord will come into your heart and that He will start working on you. We are all to die one day and that day is when He will be finished with you. You be the butterfly and fly away to the glory land. I am so ready to fly to the Glory Land!!!

Trading Everything to Gain Everything

As I type this blog, I am listening to my Passion Radio Station on Pandora. Man, it is good. This past few weeks have been really tough and gloomy. It all started off with a great guy from Bainbridge taken his life. It was hard seeing great people that I know and have come to love hurt so bad. A few day after that a 21 month old got ran over as her mother was backing out of the yard. To sad, knowing that I have two children and can not even imagine what the mother is feeling. All I do is pray for this family. This past Sunday, while getting ready for church, I received a phone call my sister saying that one of our close friend had lost their 6 day old child. I started feeling the hurt right away. My heart hurts for this family and I just hugged my two babies a little more that day. Yesterday morning I found out one of the prayer warriors of my church just got diagnosed with breast cancer.

As I look back on this, I still see God working in my life and the lives of others. He says that He will never leave us nor forsake us. He knew all of this was going to happen and waits on us to trade in our sorrow, pain and sickness for His joy. I was reminded by this when listening to "Trading My Sorrows" by Passion.

I am so glad that Jesus died to take away our sins and that we can have everlasting life. Think about for a second: EVERLASTING LIFE!!!! This life that we have on Earth is just a millisecond to what we are going to have with HIM one day. We have to live each day as it is our last. We have to serve others each day like is going to be our last day to SERVE. we have to love like it is going to be our last day to LOVE.

I will be back blogging about my testimony tomorrow. I just had to share this today. I felt the Lord telling me to share His love to you. Thank you and have a blessed day in the Lord.

More of You, Less of Me

As I prepare for a Woman Worship, Prayer time, I have been reminded that I need to more of Him(Lord, Jesus Christ). I have been one that has tried things on my own and realized that I can not do it. I have been one that ran from Him, and realized that I can not do it without Him. I have been one that stumbles and I have realized that He picks me up. I need more of Him in my life.

As I has I study Esther, I am realized that I truly need more of Him and more of His anointing. I truly needed Him to face everyday. This week has been a trying week. This is the first time I have been sick with two kids. I have totally had to rely on God to get through it.

Middle School was not a hard time for me. I felt that I had everything going. I was a cheerleader, played basketball, ran track and was in band. What more could a person ask for. I did not seek His face like I should. Yes, I went to church, was in the youth group, but why did I need this God? I could face it without Him. I was popular and an active kid. God was not cool to me in middle school. I can say that I did not think that I needed the Lord.

Then there is high school. My ninth grade seem to be starting off good. I was a cheerleader, in band, baseball manager, and ran track. I did all of this, and was in FFA and showed. There again, who needs God when you have all of this. I did not know that my parents were having trouble with money at this time. My dad takes a job in Georgia. OK, no big deal, he will be back after cotton season and my life will go on as normal. WRONG. Half way through my 9th grade year my parents tell me that we are moving to Georgia. I had just started dating someone that I thought at the time was going to be my future husband, he did too. I had break that off. Could not try out for cheer leading that year because of the move. Cheer leading was my life. Can you say that I cried the hole day of cheer leading tryouts. Was going to move away from my friends that I have known my hole life. What and where was a girl going to turn. I still not see that I needed God at this point. It was the last day of school and I said my goodbyes, got into the truck and here I am now. This is where the truck got me. In Georgia.

My tenth grade year was the worst year of my life. I truly hated it. We started going to church and attended the youth group. I still did not need God. I could do this on my own. I met some friends and I started drinking and partying. A lot. It was fun and a way to get rid of the depression and hate that I had toward my parents. I met a guy and started doing things that a woman should do with their husbands. This too was to get rid of my depression and hate for my parents. My 11th grade year came and it started out better, but still partying and all the other stuff I was doing. I got a call one night from a friend in TX saying that a dear friend of mine had been killed in a car accident. Jeff, was a great friend. One that I loved to be around and did a lot with. I was one of the guys a lot of times. This was a very hard time for me. I was not able to attend the funeral because of where I lived. I was angry at God for taking him out of my life. I guess this accident was the first of many that would happen the next two years. I would attended four more funerals before I crossed the stage my senior year. I became really anger at God. I knew then that I could do it without Him.

My Senior year was great. I had easy classes. I decided that year that I would run for State FFA Vice-President. I begin a year long preparation. I met a lot of people across the state. It was fun. It was time for convention and where the pavement meets the road as my mom would say. I worked hard that weekend. I got voted in my a hair. This is where I realized that I needed God. It was Him that gave me this opportunity and I was going to thank Him for it. That year I dedicated to Jeff. He always pushed me to things and I was doing it for him.

Now that I look back on my high school years, I realize that I truly need the Lord. I pray that it is less of me and more of Him. The Lord gets me through everything. He did back then I did not even realize it until now.