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Little did I know that three years ago today, my life would change forever. I can remember like it was yesterday. I was pregnant with my first child and I was so excited. His due date was December 22 and I was going to have a Christmas Baby. How fun could that be. At 28 weeks I was put on bed rest due to high blood pressure. My diet had to change and it was a long road to Dec. 22. I was going to the doctor 2 times a week. I was ready for him to come.
At 34 weeks and 5 days my little bundle of joy stopped moving. I knew that this was not right, but as a labor and delivery nurse I was to hard headed to call my doctor. I just made sure that there was a heart beat and I would go to my appointment early the next day. I got up on November 16Th and started eating as much sugar and drinking as much a caffeine as one person could. I knew that when I got to the office everything would be just fine. They hooked my up to the NST monitor. The heart beat was there, but he still was not moving. The doctor came in and said that he was going to send me to the hospital. Well, I wanted something different. I begged him to just do an ultrasound. As we were talking the little bundle of joy heart rate dropped and I know other choice but to go the hospital. As I arrived there, they hooked me up to pitocin and started making me have contractions. This was to see if the baby could handle it. Well, he could not. In a total of 30 minutes the doctor came in there and said that we were going to have the baby today. I knew that he would have to go to NICU, but did not know what to expect.
At around two o'clock Trey was born. He was 2lbs 12oz and 15 inches long. This is just the being of the long road ahead. As soon as my little bundle of joy was born there was a lot of whispering and "quiet" talk. I did not know what was going and could not even get up to see. I was cut open and helpless. All I could do was pray. I just wanted to see him and touch him. My God is so big that I finally heard him cry. Yes, it was weak cry, but to a mother that is the sweetest thing you can hear. The nurses brought him to and let me kiss him, and ran to the NICU with him. I was thinking that everything was going to be ok.
My husband by the baby side and me in recovery, the doctor came to me and said "Amanda, you son has a (will not say because this could harm child later in life) and is going to have to be transported out of the hospital at some time today. The NICU is full and they can not keep him here." I was alone and felt hopeless. Once again all I could do was pray for strength and peace from God. I was sick so I had to be put on a medicine to help with my blood pressure, which means that I had to be bedridden for at least 24 hours. I COULD NOT SEE MY BABY!! I would lay in the bed and cry out to God. All I wanted was to see my baby. People came and in out of my room telling me everything was going on with my little boy. He was put on the ventilator because he could not breath on his own. He the other problem too. The doctors came in and said that the NICU transport team would be moving him first thing the morning of the 17Th.
The 17Th arrived and the NICU brought him in to see me. He was prefect to me. He a lot of lines and was still on the vent, but he was alive. At that point, I knew God had him in his hands. I got to spend about 15 minutes with him, and then I would not get to see him for 24 more hours. He was on his way to MCG in Augusta, GA. 6 hours away from me. Man, was that the hardest thing that I had to do. My husband with him and my parents stayed with me. The morning of the 18Th, my doctor discharged me and I was on my to see my baby. Arriving in Augusta, I went spent an hour with him. I was trying to make up the time that I had lost. NO ONE WAS GOING TO STOP ME!!! My little angel was there and off the vent and breathing on his own. God answered one of my prayers. He was not little wimpy white boy. The next two weeks in Augusta was like a roller coaster. We would feel like we hit the top of the mountain and then a split second we would be back at the bottom. He had to stay a total of three weeks in the hospital. Two weeks in Augusta and One week in Albany.
Through all of the ups and downs of this, God was in control. I never once felt like I was alone without him. I might have been alone with out any humans, but my ABBA was there. I prayed to him to heal Trey and he did. There was times when we did not know how we were going to pay some bills, the money would show up. We wondered how we were going to eat at times, someone would takes to eat. God supplies all of our needs. Truman and I knew that God was in control no matter what doctors told us. The faith that we had in our Lord was what got us through this. He can do the same for you. Just trust in HIM and HE will provide.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
A Dark Part of My Life
I have been blogging a little at a time about my life. There are some parts that are very dark to me and I have been keeping them to myself and not sharing. I have no idea why I am about to share one of them with you, but I just feel that it is God's will that I do.
Back in 2002, 2003 I was a children pastor a church. I loved my job and I love the kids. I put all of my heart and desires into the kids. I was called into ministry in Aug of 1999 and I knew that this is were I was supposed to be. I spent hours at the church preparing for the messages that I would be given to the children. I spent hours planning different programs and activities for the children as well. I loved it. I can not tell you how happy I was at this time.
Then something happen that would change my life. I was sexually assaulted by the pastor of the church. I started turning away from God. I could not understand what God had put me through. I felt awful. I hated going in to work. I hated going to church and worshipping my King. I hated life in general. I would not tell anyone. I blamed myself. Thought it was all my fault and I needed to turn back to my old way of life. That was the only place that was safe. Why should I go to church. It is not safe. Why should I hang out with Godly people, they are not safe. I left church. I Started drinking again. When I was drunk, I felt loved by all of my friends. I knew I that I could get rid of the problem drunk. I did for that little bit of time, but when I woke up the next morning I it was there again. Hanging over my head. A good friend of the family that I went to church with called me one day and just ask me why I left the church. I could not tell her what had happen. All I could say was "One day people will realize the truth of this man. His day is coming." I would not let myself tell her, because devil keep telling me that no one would believe me. He is a preacher. You are a nobody. You are the one that cased this on yourself. I keep drinking more.
March 17, 2004, I was walking into work. I can remember this day like it was yesterday. It was my boss birthday and I had planned a special day for him. I a great present and lots of candy and food that I had brought in for him and my coworkers. As I walked in that morning, one of my coworkers said, "my name, you have a phone call." As I answered the call, the lady on the other end started asking me question about the preacher. She asked me if had every done anything to me. I was lost for words. She told me that he had done it two three other girls and that the cops were investigating it and needed me to go and talk with them. I could not even drive home. My mother had to come and get me. As I went to the police station, was met by the investigator and GBI. They ask me what had happen and I told my story. I told them everything. The next three to four months were long ones. I would have to appear in grand jury once and then the trial.
The trial was a long 3 days. It would start at 8 and end 5 the first two day. The last day it started at 8 and ended 6:30-7:00. It was the worst thing that I had to go through. I had to relive the hole thing in front of HIM! Questioned by his attorney and mine. It was time to hear what the jury decided. They let him off. They found him not guilty. The next month or so I was so anger at God that I did not want to go to church or have anything apart of it. I mad myself go, and I am so glad that I did. At this time God showed me that no matter what He is the judge of all.
Romans 14:13, "Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way." God spoke this to me and I had to quite judging him and forgive him. I wanted to glorify the Lord with all of my heart and I could not with the bitterness that I had in me. I ask for true forgiveness from my father. I have not seen or talked to the man that did this to me, but I do know that I have forgave him of this. We are all sinners and we have to forgive just a Jesus did for us. Do not hold a grudge or even judge someone of something they did. Jesus is the only one that is to judge us. We all we face Him one day and we have to be ready for it.
Back in 2002, 2003 I was a children pastor a church. I loved my job and I love the kids. I put all of my heart and desires into the kids. I was called into ministry in Aug of 1999 and I knew that this is were I was supposed to be. I spent hours at the church preparing for the messages that I would be given to the children. I spent hours planning different programs and activities for the children as well. I loved it. I can not tell you how happy I was at this time.
Then something happen that would change my life. I was sexually assaulted by the pastor of the church. I started turning away from God. I could not understand what God had put me through. I felt awful. I hated going in to work. I hated going to church and worshipping my King. I hated life in general. I would not tell anyone. I blamed myself. Thought it was all my fault and I needed to turn back to my old way of life. That was the only place that was safe. Why should I go to church. It is not safe. Why should I hang out with Godly people, they are not safe. I left church. I Started drinking again. When I was drunk, I felt loved by all of my friends. I knew I that I could get rid of the problem drunk. I did for that little bit of time, but when I woke up the next morning I it was there again. Hanging over my head. A good friend of the family that I went to church with called me one day and just ask me why I left the church. I could not tell her what had happen. All I could say was "One day people will realize the truth of this man. His day is coming." I would not let myself tell her, because devil keep telling me that no one would believe me. He is a preacher. You are a nobody. You are the one that cased this on yourself. I keep drinking more.
March 17, 2004, I was walking into work. I can remember this day like it was yesterday. It was my boss birthday and I had planned a special day for him. I a great present and lots of candy and food that I had brought in for him and my coworkers. As I walked in that morning, one of my coworkers said, "my name, you have a phone call." As I answered the call, the lady on the other end started asking me question about the preacher. She asked me if had every done anything to me. I was lost for words. She told me that he had done it two three other girls and that the cops were investigating it and needed me to go and talk with them. I could not even drive home. My mother had to come and get me. As I went to the police station, was met by the investigator and GBI. They ask me what had happen and I told my story. I told them everything. The next three to four months were long ones. I would have to appear in grand jury once and then the trial.
The trial was a long 3 days. It would start at 8 and end 5 the first two day. The last day it started at 8 and ended 6:30-7:00. It was the worst thing that I had to go through. I had to relive the hole thing in front of HIM! Questioned by his attorney and mine. It was time to hear what the jury decided. They let him off. They found him not guilty. The next month or so I was so anger at God that I did not want to go to church or have anything apart of it. I mad myself go, and I am so glad that I did. At this time God showed me that no matter what He is the judge of all.
Romans 14:13, "Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way." God spoke this to me and I had to quite judging him and forgive him. I wanted to glorify the Lord with all of my heart and I could not with the bitterness that I had in me. I ask for true forgiveness from my father. I have not seen or talked to the man that did this to me, but I do know that I have forgave him of this. We are all sinners and we have to forgive just a Jesus did for us. Do not hold a grudge or even judge someone of something they did. Jesus is the only one that is to judge us. We all we face Him one day and we have to be ready for it.
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