A Dark Part of My Life

I have been blogging a little at a time about my life. There are some parts that are very dark to me and I have been keeping them to myself and not sharing. I have no idea why I am about to share one of them with you, but I just feel that it is God's will that I do.

Back in 2002, 2003 I was a children pastor a church. I loved my job and I love the kids. I put all of my heart and desires into the kids. I was called into ministry in Aug of 1999 and I knew that this is were I was supposed to be. I spent hours at the church preparing for the messages that I would be given to the children. I spent hours planning different programs and activities for the children as well. I loved it. I can not tell you how happy I was at this time.

Then something happen that would change my life. I was sexually assaulted by the pastor of the church. I started turning away from God. I could not understand what God had put me through. I felt awful. I hated going in to work. I hated going to church and worshipping my King. I hated life in general. I would not tell anyone. I blamed myself. Thought it was all my fault and I needed to turn back to my old way of life. That was the only place that was safe. Why should I go to church. It is not safe. Why should I hang out with Godly people, they are not safe. I left church. I Started drinking again. When I was drunk, I felt loved by all of my friends. I knew I that I could get rid of the problem drunk. I did for that little bit of time, but when I woke up the next morning I it was there again. Hanging over my head. A good friend of the family that I went to church with called me one day and just ask me why I left the church. I could not tell her what had happen. All I could say was "One day people will realize the truth of this man. His day is coming." I would not let myself tell her, because devil keep telling me that no one would believe me. He is a preacher. You are a nobody. You are the one that cased this on yourself. I keep drinking more.

March 17, 2004, I was walking into work. I can remember this day like it was yesterday. It was my boss birthday and I had planned a special day for him. I a great present and lots of candy and food that I had brought in for him and my coworkers. As I walked in that morning, one of my coworkers said, "my name, you have a phone call." As I answered the call, the lady on the other end started asking me question about the preacher. She asked me if had every done anything to me. I was lost for words. She told me that he had done it two three other girls and that the cops were investigating it and needed me to go and talk with them. I could not even drive home. My mother had to come and get me. As I went to the police station, was met by the investigator and GBI. They ask me what had happen and I told my story. I told them everything. The next three to four months were long ones. I would have to appear in grand jury once and then the trial.

The trial was a long 3 days. It would start at 8 and end 5 the first two day. The last day it started at 8 and ended 6:30-7:00. It was the worst thing that I had to go through. I had to relive the hole thing in front of HIM! Questioned by his attorney and mine. It was time to hear what the jury decided. They let him off. They found him not guilty. The next month or so I was so anger at God that I did not want to go to church or have anything apart of it. I mad myself go, and I am so glad that I did. At this time God showed me that no matter what He is the judge of all.

Romans 14:13, "Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way." God spoke this to me and I had to quite judging him and forgive him. I wanted to glorify the Lord with all of my heart and I could not with the bitterness that I had in me. I ask for true forgiveness from my father. I have not seen or talked to the man that did this to me, but I do know that I have forgave him of this. We are all sinners and we have to forgive just a Jesus did for us. Do not hold a grudge or even judge someone of something they did. Jesus is the only one that is to judge us. We all we face Him one day and we have to be ready for it.